United States v. 11 1/4 Dozen Packages of Article Labeled in Part Mrs. Moffat’s Shoo Fly Powders for Drunkenness
United States v. 2,116 Boxes of Boned Beef
United States v. Approximately 64,695 Pounds of Shark Fins
United States v. 2,507 Live Canary Winged Parakeets
United States v. One Lucite Ball Containing Lunar Material (One Moon Rock) and One Ten Inch by Fourteen Inch Wooden Plaque
United States v. Article Consisting of 50,000 Cardboard Boxes More or Less, Each Containing One Pair of Clacker Balls
He Ain’t Gonna Climb No More
Tune: “Battle Hymn of the Republic”
Chorus:
Gory, gory, what a heck of a way to die.
Gory, gory what a heck of a way to die.
Gory, gory what a heck of a way to die.
And he ain’t gonna climb no more!
Verse 1:
“Will it go around the chockstone?” called the belayer, looking up.
Our hero feebly answered, “Yes,” and slowly inched on up.
He was trying to drive a piton when his foothold crumbled out.
Oh he ain’t gonna climb no more!
Chorus:
Verse 2:
He slid on down the chimney and he quickly gathered speed.
He shot past the belayer, who’s forgot the climber’s creed.
An anchor to a piton would’ve been all he’d ever need.
Oh he ain’t gonna climb no more!
Chorus
Verse 3:
The belayer felt the rope pull taught and tried to let it run.
But it jerked him from position and he knew his time had come.
He left the ledge behind him and it shot up toward the sun.
Oh he ain’t gonna climb no more!
Chorus
Verse 4:
They sped on down the chimney and they passed the Southern Col.
They had such good exposure that it made a glorious fall.
They slithered o’er a friction pitch and sped on down the wall.
Oh they ain’t gonna climb no more.
Chorus
Verse 5:
The medic in the valley watched them through his telescope.
And as they neared the bottom, his eyes grew bright with hope.
For it had been a week or more since the parting of the rope.
Oh they ain’t gonna climb no more!
Chorus
Verse 6:
One had a rope around his neck and a piton through his spleen.
An ice-axe in the rucksack had split the other’s bean.
The trails of red marked their descent as they neared the slopes of green.
Oh they ain’t gonna climb no more.
Chorus
Verse 7:
They hit the ground the sound was “SPLAT” the blood went spurting high.
Their comrades were heard to say, “What a colorful way to die!”
And as they lay there rolling in the welter of their gore.
Oh they ain’t gonna climb no more!
Chorus
Verse 8:
There was blood upon the rucksacks, there were brains upon the rope.
Intestines were entwined across the green and grassy slope.
We picked them up in a lunch pail after salvaging the rope.
Oh they ain’t gonna climb no more!
Chorus
He Ain’t Gonna Climb No More
Tune: “Battle Hymn of the Republic”
Chorus:
Gory, gory, what a heck of a way to die.
Gory, gory what a heck of a way to die.
Gory, gory what a heck of a way to die.
And he ain’t gonna climb no more!
Verse 1:
“Will it go around the chockstone?” called the belayer, looking up.
Our hero feebly answered, “Yes,” and slowly inched on up.
He was trying to drive a piton when his foothold crumbled out.
Oh he ain’t gonna climb no more!
Chorus:
Verse 2:
He slid on down the chimney and he quickly gathered speed.
He shot past the belayer, who’s forgot the climber’s creed.
An anchor to a piton would’ve been all he’d ever need.
Oh he ain’t gonna climb no more!
Chorus
Verse 3:
The belayer felt the rope pull taught and tried to let it run.
But it jerked him from position and he knew his time had come.
He left the ledge behind him and it shot up toward the sun.
Oh he ain’t gonna climb no more!
Chorus
Verse 4:
They sped on down the chimney and they passed the Southern Col.
They had such good exposure that it made a glorious fall.
They slithered o’er a friction pitch and sped on down the wall.
Oh they ain’t gonna climb no more.
Chorus
Verse 5:
The medic in the valley watched them through his telescope.
And as they neared the bottom, his eyes grew bright with hope.
For it had been a week or more since the parting of the rope.
Oh they ain’t gonna climb no more!
Chorus
Verse 6:
One had a rope around his neck and a piton through his spleen.
An ice-axe in the rucksack had split the other’s bean.
The trails of red marked their descent as they neared the slopes of green.
Oh they ain’t gonna climb no more.
Chorus
Verse 7:
They hit the ground the sound was “SPLAT” the blood went spurting high.
Their comrades were heard to say, “What a colorful way to die!”
And as they lay there rolling in the welter of their gore.
Oh they ain’t gonna climb no more!
Chorus
Verse 8:
There was blood upon the rucksacks, there were brains upon the rope.
Intestines were entwined across the green and grassy slope.
We picked them up in a lunch pail after salvaging the rope.
Oh they ain’t gonna climb no more!
Chorus
Follow These Instructions Exactly as they Are Written
My wife found this on ONTD, and I think I tracked it down to Creepy Pasta or a Tumblr.
Somewhere in West Philadelphia, you will find an old basketball court with a single ball lying in the middle. Pick it up and start shooting hoops. After a while, a small group of hooligans will approach you and challenge you to a fight, which you must accept.
After the fight, you must go home and relay the events to your mother. She will then inform you that you have an aunt and uncle living in one of the districts of Los Angeles, and out of fear, she will send you to live there for an indefinite period of time.
With your bags packed, go to the street corner, and whistle for a cab. The cab that will pull up will bear the word FRESH on the license plate, and upon closer inspection, novelty fuzzy dice will hang in the mirror. Although you will suddenly realize that cabs like these are extremely hard to find, do not bear any thought to it. At this point you MUST point out in front of the car and say ‘Yo homes to Bel Air’. You will stop in front of a mansion, and it will be sometime between 7 and 8 o’clock, even though it will feel like you’ve been traveling mere seconds. Get your luggage out and say ‘Yo homes, smell ya later!’, but do NOT turn back to face the cabby. Walk up to the door, look over your shoulder once, and then knock on the door three times.
If you follow these instructions, your life will get flip-turned upside-down.
Spooky stuff, eh?